SYMPTOM - Feet cold and wet.
SOLUTION - Glass being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM - Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
SOLUTION - Glass empty. Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM - Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
SOLUTION - You have fallen over backward. Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM - Mouth contains cigarette butts.
SOLUTION - You have fallen forward. See above.

SYMPTOM - Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
SOLUTION - Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM - Floor blurred.
SOLUTION - You are looking through bottom of empty glass. Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM - Floor moving.
SOLUTION - You are being carried out. Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM - Room seems unusually dark.
SOLUTION - Bar has closed. Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM - Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
SOLUTION - You are dancing on the table. Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM - Beer is crystal-clear
SOLUTION - It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. Punch him.

SYMPTOM - Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
SOLUTION - You have been in a fight. Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them

SYMPTOM - Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
SOLUTION - You've wandered into the wrong party. See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM - Your singing sounds distorted.
SOLUTION - The beer is too weak. Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM - Don't remember the words to the song.
SOLUTION - Beer is just right. Play air guitar.