Q. What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
A. The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

Q. What's a bassoon good for?
A. Kindling for an accordion fire.

Q. How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A. Give him some sheet music.

Q. What's a guy that hangs out with musicians called?
A. A drummer.

Q. How can you tell when a drummer is sitting up straight?
A. He dribbles out of both sides of his mouth!

Q. What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A. You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

Q. Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
A. Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend.

Q. How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
A. He doesn't know when to come in.

Q. What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A. "Hey, guys - why don't we try one of my songs? ..."

Q. How do you get two piccolo players to play in unison?
A. Shoot one.

Q. What is the range of a piccolo?
A. Oh, about twenty yards on a good day.

Q. What is the definition of perfect pitch in a piccolo?
A. When you throw it in the toilet and it doesn't hit the rim.

Q. What's the difference between a pizza and a drummer?
A. A pizza can feed a family of four.

Q. If a drummer and a bass guitarist caught a cab, which one would be the musician?
A. The cab driver.

Q. Why are so many violists dating drummers?
A. It makes them feel superior.

Q. What's the difference between a sax player and a lawn mower?
A. One cuts grass and the other smokes it.

Q. What would you do if you had all the bagpipe players on earth lined up end-to-end to the moon and back?
A. Leave them there.

Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.

Q. Which is better: electric guitar or harmonica?
A. Electric guitar. You can't beat a harmonica player to death with a harmonica.